Lavender orc smells really good

Should probably have a faint aura of automatic Charm Person, or at least a calming effect on persons nearby.

The Silent City

The Silent City is named so because it is illegal to speak. Foreigners are kicked out, citizens exiled or executed on spot (in most cases exiled since executions are noisy).

Environmental sounds aren't forbidden, but frowned upon (e.g. the sound of the blacksmith working). You should keep such activities on a lower layer, or preferably outside the city.

Silent Language is the official language, a strict sign language restricted to one-hand motions, a leftover from the 37 year old war where you'd want the other hand to always wield a weapon.

The citizens of the Silent City are not deaf.

Mages raised in the Silent City cannot cast spells that requires a verbal component.

The Grand Ocularium serves as what other cities would call a library, only here the books are replaced by several silent tellers; sages who can recite information using Silent Language. Books are noisy, turning pages are noisy, climbing ladders retrieving books are noisy.

Built like a wedding cake, the laws of silence are loosen up the further away from the top you get, although the rulers have many spies and watchers.

The lowest layer of the city - where the main gate is located - is called Whisper. You may get away with whispering here. This layer is where most commoners are found, foreign travelling merchants and their ilk.

It's unclear what the real reason for all this is, although an old tale tells about a sage in the Grand Ocularium that revealed that the city acts as a blanket, covering a sleeping baby god. The baby is harmless, but if disturbed, the cry will anger and attract its parents - whatever they may be.

AD&D Monster Manual as haiku (part 2 - B)

Here's the next part. Ah B, I was looking forward to the beholder, but it was the baluchitherium that surprised me.

Yes, this series is probably mostly useless, but they are fun to write, although this entry took longer than I expected. WAY longer.



one half pacifist
one half indeterminism
red ass waves goodbye


you dig like a sow
do you even work out, brock?
your pelt looks like felt




bowman not needed
undersea ferocity
salt water arrow


little dragon king
you shun your own reflection
no glasses for you


boring encounter
forests, or a grizzly cave
give papa a hug


this entry feels like
a predictable scene from
National Lampoon


hungry moving house
elemental or common
we gather feces


polyphemus, lo!
here be your galatea
twelve pupils of death


foul crevice seeker
no paper could collect you
darkest giant snot


daddy the pup's gone!
no wait it came back, hey pup!
no wait! oh fuck this


pig of the sounder
juvenile, only older
everyone knows pig


malignant nevus
of the poor psionics mind


handy half halfling
how is your very short sword
not just a dagger?


illustrated cow
body, sepia world map
head, dark thunderstorm


just a hairy man
it is, really: goblin men
wrong taxonomy


monster à la carte
worcestershire demon hot sauce
damn you mad wizard


they squeezed this one in
an entry worthy its name
beware page filler

AD&D Monster Manual as haiku (part 1 - A)

I got this idea after misreading a post of  the most excellent Luka Rejec, where his words describing his drawing almost felt haiku-like.

Alright, before we start, the haiku I'll try to write are going to be bastard versions of a real haiku: that is, I'll only count syllables. Haiku poets around the world be hating.

And I'll use the AD&D 1e monster manual, because that's the only monster manual I got.

Alright, let's start with the first part.



anger management
could save the both of us, dear
mage hand is better


dirt shark fights dirty
a secret crush on farmers
acidic love spit

ANT, Giant

off with her head man
why don't you remember my
name - I guess she does

APE, (Gorilla)

swedish pun, begone
silly walk as silly talk
seven sunclad days

APE, Carnivorous

human barbecue
larger stronger better me
sign language for all


my clean cuts, sleek kills
dust clouds shadows escape path
need to lay an egg

The Green Wall

"Babs got a new apartment closer to the Green Wall, ain't that something?"

"I heard they painted the wall green to make it more inviting. Like a forest."

"What's a forest?"

"... I can't remember."

"... Good for Babs, though! Maybe she and Walt can sort things out now!"


"Babs had no right to bring those documents beyond the Green Wall! Her clearance may be higher than most, but we're supposed to keep secrets - well, secret!"

"... What do you think happened in Citrus 2? I mean, really happened?"

"She got what she deserved, Dave. Non-people have no business there."

"I heard they pushed her off the -"

"Stop hearing things, Dave. I mean it."

"... I love you."

"Of course you do, Dave, it's the law."

Ol' Goldyhead

Ol' Goldyhead is made pf pure gold. He rests upon Red Mountain. A few poor souls have tried to scrape his skin, but ol' Goldyhead's scream will blow of your head.

He has a cold twice a year. His snot is silver.